Why do we care so much if we gain weight, get stretch marks, or have wrinkles—things we’ve been told are “ugly” or “bad”?

Because we’ve been taught to believe that our worth, goodness, and value depends on how we look.

But it doesn’t stop there.

We’ve also learned that our value comes from all sorts of things outside of us, like:

Or yourself, for that matter.

You didn’t come into this world thinking, “Oh, I can’t believe I have a double chin!”
You weren’t toddling around saying, “I can’t believe I fell over!”

No, you were just fine, simply experiencing life.

In those early moments, there was an inherent okayness, a sense of worthiness, a deep knowing that “I am as good as anybody else.”

The biggest difference between knowing whether direction is coming from your conditioned mind or your Inner Wisdom is in the feeling.

We are born with an innate guidance system. Everyone has one, and we never lose connection with it. In fact it’s always directing us. It’s just that the mind tends to override the messages we receive through doubt, worry, fear etc.

Our culture does not respect the wisdom of our bodies. No clearer is this demonstrated than in the war on weight gain. 

If we were to take just a minute to contemplate the magnitude of complex functions our body performs on a daily basis with zero input from us (think digestion, healing wounds etc.) we’d be astounded. We’d have so much more respect for our bodies and how smart they are.

We might just believe that our bodies actually know what they are doing!

But when it comes to body size we think “nope, it got that wrong!” Our bodies are supposed to be smaller than they are. Look different. Stay the same size forever. 

I remember being at the end of Byron Katie’s 9-day School for The Work, and she was delivering parting words to us attendees.

She held her hands up, palms facing each other at a distance apart, and then drew them closer to each other, then back out again. As she did this she said “expand, contract, expand, contract”.

She was letting us know that while we were sitting there, high on the insights and expansion we felt from being illuminated to the false beliefs that were running our lives, (and having experienced what was actually true for us)…that we would once again, contract.

In the book “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying” by Bronnie Ware, she reports that patients on their death bed most commonly regretted the following:

1) I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2) I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

3) I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.

4) I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5) I wish that I had let myself be happier.

No where on that list is “I wish I was thinner”! Or “I wish I never had grey hair!”

And yet, we have been conditioned to focus SO MUCH on our body size and appearance that most people don’t realize how much time and energy it consumes in their day (i.e. their life) until they stop.

There is a common theme amongst all dieters and those who whose goal is weight loss: they want to “be better”.

As a former dieter I deeply resonate with this desire, as I’m sure you do too.

But I would say the vast majority of people in our culture carry this desire “be better” in some area of their life. If it’s not changing their body then it’s in wanting to be a “better” spouse, a “better” parent, “better” employee etc. 

I woke up really tired today.

My almost 2-year old daughter is home with me for a couple weeks before pre-school starts, and as you can imagine, it’s a tad tiring.

See, I’m someone who needs her sleep! When I don’t get a lot of sleep, things go downhill pretty fast. And what do I mean by “downhill”?

I mean the thoughts in my mind start seeing the worst in everything: in my life, in other people, and especially in myself.

Anxiety came knocking on my door the other day, and walked right into my house.

It’s still here actually, sitting on my couch, looking quite comfortable. I have no idea when it will leave. 

A couple weeks ago I wrote about having seen the full length of my body on video, the reaction I had, and how I handled it. 

A reader replied with the below response: 

“This made me think about when I see my body in the mirror - specifically my thighs. When thoughts come up of ‘god they are so dimply and veiny- yuck’ I don’t know whether to sink into the feelings of grief of grieving my old body, or watch the thoughts go by like the television in the background you mentioned.”

For context - the “television” is reference to this meditation from my meditation group (which btw you can join here). 

So what do you do? Grieve your old body? Or watch the critical body thoughts go by?

The short answer? Both. 

Here’s my longer answer…

The body acceptance journey often begins with excitement.

You imagine the freedom you’ll feel when you stop worrying so damn much about the number on the scale, or how many calories are in a meal, and you can finally just enjoy life more!

And that keeps you going until…weight gain happens. Then boom! All the fear and panic starts rushing in and you think “I can’t do this! Dieting feels safer, this is way too scary.”

Dieting and weight loss plans have their appeal.

They feel safe. It’s “easy” to have rules. You don’t need to think about what you’re eating or doing - it’s all planned out for you.

As much as those boundaries can feel safe, they also become a prison. And when you’re locked in a prison, it’s hard to thrive.

The other day I posted this on Instagram. It appeared to really hit a chord with people.

Our minds have all been programmed. Some of that programming is positive and serves us, and some of it is negative and hurts us.

Growing up in this culture we’ve learned to criticise, blame, and see our bodies as wrong if it doesn’t match up with what the people in our lives say is a “good” or “worthy” body (the programming).

So hearing that the painful thoughts about our bodies floating through our minds may not be our true opinion of ourselves, means it’s possible we can see ourselves in a different way, and feel better about ourselves.

I’m sure you’ve heard the headlines that purport that certain foods are more “addictive” than others - those with the magic combo of sugar, fat and salt. You may have also heard that certain food additives make foods more “addictive”? Is that really true? 

I received an email the other day from a woman who was asking me this question, and I thought it would be helpful to share it (with permission) and my response: 

What is it that has prevented you from accepting your body up until this point?

Whatever it is, I guarantee it boils down to one thing: fear. 

Fearful thoughts about what could happen (or more accurately what feels like will happen) if you stop trying to control your body. Thoughts like:

• I’ll gain weight forever

• People will judge me

• I’ll hate myself

• I’ll never be able to find a partner and be alone forever

• I’ll get sick and die early

• I’ll never feel good again

• I’ll be miserable etc. 

And what lies underneath all of these thoughts? 

The feeling I’m not safe. 

Growing up I didn't have a good relationship with negative feelings. I used to believe that "negative" feelings were something I was supposed to avoid experiencing. If I felt them it meant something was wrong - either in my life, or more often, with me. 

The other day I posted a video to YouTube titled "You DON'T Need to WORRY About What You Eat. Here's Why"

It garnered a comment from someone who seemed quite upset that I was telling people not to care about what they eat (and subsequently not care about their body).

But it’s funny...I never once said don't "care" about what you eat. I said don't worry about what you eat. 

How many hours have you spent researching the “best” way to solve the “problem” with your body?

All the time spent trying to find the “best” diet or workout plan to lose weight. Or the “right” protocol to follow in order to feel better. 

The mind wants to know. It wants the answer. It likes prescriptions, plans, and protocols to follow. And there’s no shortage of people telling you they have the answer for you!

When you’re feeling scared, insecure, or in pain, you’ll do whatever you think is necessary to feel better. 

But what if you didn’t have to search out there in order to find relief?

What problem do you have regarding your body or habits these days?

• Is it the near-constant critical thoughts about your appearance?

• Is it the late-night eating that you can't seem to stop even though you are full?

• Or maybe it's the fear of eating certain foods that makes eating decisions so stressful?