What Ayahuasca Taught Me About My Bigger Body

I hesitated to write this post because Ayahuasca is still quite unknown (and illegal in most places), and with all things unknown, it can be quite misunderstood.

But my experience with ayahuasca (and the container wherein I experienced it), was so profound, safe and helpful for me, that I didn’t want to hold back on sharing the realizations that came from it. 

For the purpose of this blog which centers on body acceptance, I will share what I realized as it relates to my own evolving path of accepting my body, in particular as it relates to weight gain, as opposed to the details of my ayahuasca experience. However, for those who are unfamiliar with ayahuasca, I’ll begin with a brief overview.

What is Ayahuasca?

In very simplistic terms, Ayahuasca is a psychedelic plant medicine from the Amazon basin that has been used by indigineous tribes in sacred ceremonies for hundreds of years for healing and spiritual insight. It’s a tea that is brewed from two different plants (a vine and a leaf) that when ingested opens one up to experiencing healing and meaningful realizations that for most of us, are inaccessible in our daily lives. (For a more detailed explanation click here.)

While at the moment it’s illegal in most countries, there are a few places in the world where it’s legal to consume, and one place that at the time of this writing, is medically licensed to administer ayahuasca as a healing modality (I chose to go to that place). Ayahuasca is currently being researched more and more as a powerful healing tool to treat various ailments such as PTSD, depression, eating disorders, addiction etc. For additional information, I recommend watching the documentary The Medicine. 

My General Experience

I prefer not to get in too much detail about my own experience, as again that’s not what this post is about, but I’m guessing you might be a bit curious about it, so I’ll share briefly what it was like for me.

To begin - please note that the experience of ayahuasca is different for everyone. Generally I would say most people experience it as intense, and I would say the same for myself. If I could give a name to my experience I would call it “heaven and hell”, because that’s exactly what it felt like at times! In the “heaven” phases, I received insight, clarity, and knowledge that was very meaningful to me. I had a deep connection with my intuition, and had a profound healing experience. I felt joy and love and energy and at times, bliss.

The “hell” part was primarily physical, and came in the form of periods of intense nausea. Ayahuasca is a purgative - meaning the purpose of it is to clear the entire system (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) of what is not serving us. Again I want to reiterate that the experience is different for everyone - some people may not experience nausea, but I did. Metaphorically speaking it made sense to me that I would experience the nausea so intensely because I hate vomiting, and part of the ayahuasca journey involves us facing the things we avoid or resist - but with the benefit of seeing it from a more objective point of view.

What I Learned About my Bigger Body

This part of my story might get a little “woo” for some people, but nonetheless, it’s how I experienced it so I will share it as I remember it.

Everything is energy, and science has proved it. Much of my experience during the ayahuasca ceremonies (I participated in four), was very visceral. During one of the ceremonies I was doing a lot of self body manipulations (think acupressure and massage). I didn’t really know exactly what I was doing, or why I was doing it, but it made sense to me later on as I came to realize the body manipulations were helping to open the energy channels in my body so that energy could flow more freely. 

Once the energy channels were opened and flowing well, I had this sense of being able to channel energy. This was unusual for me because I don’t consider myself an energy channeler. (Though I guess we all are channeling energy all the time through our bodies, whether we realize it or not). During the experience I was like “what the heck is going on?!” But that’s all I can really say about it - it felt like I was channeling energy.

Eventually what I came to understand, was that my function during the ceremony was to ground energy. Energy that is not grounded is dangerous. It’s why it’s so important the energy lines in our homes are grounded, otherwise we’re in for a shock. As I had this sense that I was grounding energy, I noticed I had a counterpart in the room who was moving energy. I could see this other participant - a thin, graceful woman walking around, looking as if she were moving this energy - and I was actively grounding it.

There was one point during the night when we were all gathered to sit in a circle. I was roused by a shaman from my mat and guided to a seat in the circle. As I was looking around the circle I noticed I was sitting beside the shaman, and sat on the other side of the shaman was my energy counterpart. I now had this visual representation of a circuit of energy - we opened and closed the loop perfectly - the energy mover, and the energy grounder. 

Now here’s where the insight about my bigger body came in - it was necessary for me to be in a bigger body in order to ground the energy. I couldn’t do it well if I was in a thin body (which was the body the energy-mover was in). I needed to be in a heavier, more stable body that had the power and density to be able to ground. 

What I also understood, was that this is how nature intended us to be. We are meant to be in all different shapes and sizes. We are not all meant to be thin! Life would be unbalanced if that were the case. We need people to be in all variations of body size to create harmony and balance. 

That insight made me appreciate my body so much more. It brought a sense purpose as to why I was in the body I was in. I wasn’t a “failure” for having gained weight like diet culture would have us believe, my body was exactly how it was supposed to be in that moment to contribute to the balance, and to perform a very important and necessary function.

So I share my experience with you in the hopes that you may find some relief in knowing that your body is not “wrong”. I understand how at times it may feel wrong, especially in this culture that tells us fat is bad and we need to do whatever is necessary to get rid of it. But that just isn’t the case. Throughout history we will see that there has always been body diversity (and will continue to be), because this diversity is necessary for balance and harmony.

And with this knowledge that our bodies are not wrong, we can care for them and take action to feel good in them from a place of acceptance and love, rather than from a place of needing to control, restrict, or “fix” our bodies. 

We all play an important and necessary part here on earth. Our authentic selves is what serves us, and the whole, best. 

If you would like support in moving towards loving and accepting your body, my 8-week one-on-one coaching program can help. Click here for more information.