If Only More People Knew This, They’d Feel Better
/Am I safe to assume that in general, you’d like to feel better?
You’re very human if you do. We are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain - it’s a basic survival instinct. Our brain associates pain with “danger”, and pleasure with “safety”. So it makes sense to want to “feel better”, it feels safer.
Which is why you’ve invested so much time and energy into losing weight and “looking good”. In our culture, that comes with a lot of pay-offs, such as:
It makes shopping for clothes easier
You can feel a sense of control in your life
You can feel like you’re accomplishing something
You might be able to blend into the crowd easier
Or you might be able to stand out
Your sense of social value can increase
You might have more physical mobility in your body
People may assume better things about you
These are all compelling reasons to try and change your body, aren’t they?
But unless you can easily attain your desired body size/appearance and keep it for life, you will suffer if you can’t. I’m sure you’ve already experienced this pain.
So if changing your body to “feel better” isn’t the long-lasting solution you’ve hoped for, what are you to do?
Well, I believe it’s deeply understanding three things:
1) Thoughts create your experience of life.
Here’s an example: imagine you’re online dating and meeting up with someone for the first time. You’re sitting at a café waiting for them to arrive and you see them walk through the door. They look around and see you, and then quickly turn around and walk away. You get a message that says “I’m sorry, you don’t look like what I expected from the photos”.
How does that scenario make you feel?
I could assume you feel a certain way, but I really don’t know. Because the thoughts you’re believing about this person, and about yourself, is what determines how you feel.
If the thoughts that go through your mind are something like “they think I’m ugly, I’ll never find anyone and will be alone forever” you’re bound to feel pretty terrible.
However, if the thoughts that go through your mind are something like “Phew! Dodged a bullet with that one! Good thing I didn’t waste anymore time with someone who only judges books by their cover”, you’d likely feel some relief.
Same scenario, two very different experiences. And the only thing that changed were the thoughts that went through your mind, and whether or not you believed them.
How you looked didn’t create your experience. How they reacted didn’t. But the thoughts believed about your body, and about them, did.
Now despite popular belief, you can’t actually control your thoughts. They just pop into your mind. But being able to witness them, and noticing the impact when you believe them, can be a game changer.
You don’t have to believe everything you think.
2) “Negative” feelings aren’t something to be afraid of.
So if you felt “negative” emotions imagining that café scenario, what were you inclined to do? My guess is to protect yourself. Those thoughts felt uncomfortable and scary and your mind started coming up with ideas of how you could avoid feeling those feelings again, didn’t it? It probably came up with a familiar “solution”: change your appearance.
Which makes sense on the surface doesn’t it? If they didn’t like how you looked, just make yourself “look better” so the chance of someone walking out on you again (and feeling those feelings you didn’t like) is reduced.
That will work to some degree, but then it exposes you to a whole bunch of other negative feelings, the ones that result from trying to keep your body looking a certain way. Not to mention that it won’t work for everyone, some people just aren’t going to be attracted to how you look (even models and celebrities get rejected!)
So instead of playing negative feelings whack-a-mole, you can come to realize that negative feelings aren’t dangerous. See them for what they really are: energy moving through your body, as the result of believing a thought. Yes they may feel dangerous, but if you stop and look around, you’ll realize you’re sitting in a café, perfectly safe.
3) There is a source of wise intelligence within you.
Imagine that your thoughts and feelings are like the weather: the pleasant ones are like gentle clouds floating through the sky, and the intense ones are like a storm. And the thing about the weather is that it always passes.
When you’re able to allow your thoughts and feelings to pass like the weather, there will be a space that opens up. A “calm after the storm”. It’s in this window of calm that you can access your deeper wisdom. A source of intelligence within you that has your best interest at heart, and will guide you to the wisest next step to take in the moment.
So in the case of the café scenario, the fearful thoughts (which are often loud, judgemental and abrasive) will likely tell you things like “you’re a loser! You should really start a new diet and get some botox. That’s the only way you’ll look good enough to find a partner”.
Inner wisdom on the other hand, which knows you’re worthy and valuable just as you are, will give you clear, simple, kind advice that is applicable to the moment. It may say something like “go home and rest”, or “stay and read that new novel you bought”. Doesn’t that voice feel better?
So understanding these three things: that thoughts create your experience, you don’t have to fear feelings, and there is a wise source of intelligence within you, can make all the difference in how you experience life.
It doesn’t mean you’ll always feel pleasure, but it will reduce the suffering you feel when you experience pain. And that by itself, helps you feel better.
Living life with this new understanding takes practice. One way to help make this shift in your life is to join my FREE Weekly Meditation Group. You can learn more by clicking here.
Photo by Hello I'm Nik onUnsplash